My Moreau experience, to say the least, was an absolute roller coaster. It was an exhilarating ride from the first year to my last days as a Mariner. Looking back at my freshman year I can absolutely say that I have changed, not physically, but as a person. Sure the crazy Charles from OLR exists (he pops up every once in a while).

This post is mostly about my emotional breakdowns thinking overreactions that have hit me quite hard during my years at Moreau, but don’t worry I’ll do another post about my feelings of graduating after this one. For now I’ll tell you readers about these breakdowns that more than a couple of times almost destroyed the person that that so many people know and love. Now, my closest friends are aware of these breakdowns (I say this because they’ve fixed it before) and for those of you that don’t it’s a damn bitch to deal with, for me that is. Of course I have a happy go lucky type of attitude towards all things but when it comes to relationships…well that’s where the breakdowns get tremendously worse. I don’t really want to go into detail about the ones I had in my freshman and sophomore years because, lets just say I don’t want to start anything up again. To say the least after the breakups I was an emotional wreck, thought badly about myself, and ran away a couple times from home. Normally this kind of things never ever cross my mind but during those times emotions always get the better of me. Of course emotional breakdowns are bad but the ones that get me into the deep shit are my thinking breakdowns, because when this happens it takes me a long ass time to recover (long being in terms of months). I’ve been told several times by Alex that my way of thinking is the reason why it’s hard for me to move forward, it’s also the reason why I’m not ready to get girlfriend (which my dad told me). Now Alex isn’t the first person to come face to face with the overreactive thinking part me, Jun and Joseph had dealt with it before but one other person (to my surprise) has dealt and fixed that part of me. If you haven’t guessed it yet it’s Karissa (and yes Karissa if you are reading this you have survived through my onslaught of emotions and over-reactiveness, YAY!)

Now this thinking overreaction of mine can and has already done some of it’s dangerous handy work after my breakups. And to say the least I thought I was never going to get another relationship until after I had graduated. During the beginning of my Junior year I already had the concept that I was going to be single in my head. I also started thinking badly about myself, saying to myself that I’ll never be worth it for anyone. As the first couple of months went by this negativity about myself worsened and I was also adept at hiding it from even Alex (who knows more about me than most people do). This continued on till around January, that is until Karissa entered my life story. She is one of my closest friends and she introduced me to someone who would change me into a better person (with all the ups and downs along the way of course).

Samantha is the person that has helped me change for the better but during the first couple months of dating as well as us going out the overreactive thinking Charles resurfaced with a vengeance and brought along the emotional side as well! Needless to say nothing good can ever EVER come out of that kind of combination. I would constantly go to Karissa for advice, help, and other things to ensure that I can get/keep my relationship with Samantha. To say the least I was asking things from her that I should have done myself. So after a few months into our relationship I did what I feared for the longest time, talking over the problems that were bothering me/SAmantha and trying to fix them. These kinds of situations scare the crap out of me because I’m always afraid of saying the wrong things and messing up. I was scared because this was three months into our relationship (longer than both my relationships at Moreau), and I didn’t want this one to end. As the months went by Samantha and I fixed many problems that would have been hinderances to our relationship. Everything was going well and our relationship had just entered its seventh month and to be honest I made the most terrible mistake, one that had me reverting back to my old self. The night of our Homecoming Dance I did something that I still hate myself for doing even till this day. During the final slow dance I kissed Samantha. Now this doesn’t sound bad to most people (who are damn assholes) but to me I made a promise and breaking that promise was like taking all the good emotions out of me along with ripping my heart out. I knew that she had come out of a bad relationship before she met me and I knew that such a simple act would crush her. But to me doing something that would hurt her so much… is something that I would never forgive myself for doing. The Monday after the dance was a damn cruel day for me. It was not the fact that I had probably lost my distrust in her but the overthinker in me had resurfaced after three months of suppressing it. Naturally I did nothing but mope around during the whole school day and got a few people pissed off at me during the process (you know who you are). When the final period ended I fought myself to go look for her no matter how much my brain protested, when I did finally find her she was with her best friend since grade school (one which I thought she would leave me for, I laugh at myself every time I think about it). After managing to convince her to talk with me I immediately apologized for the wrong that I had done to her and asked for forgiveness as well (something that I haven’t done in a while). During this moment the old me from the inside was fighting with the new me. Telling me that no matter what I do she will never forgive me no matter how hard I try. During this argument in my head I heard her voice and a single sentence that literally almost brought me to tears, “I forgive you.” She told me. For a while this new concept was new to me because no one has ever forgiven me for something terrible that I have done in my life and I know I haven’t told her this for some time now but I thank her everyday for giving me a second chance because in my life I’ve never been given a second chance. And for once the old me (the emotionally overthinkative Charles) had vanished and in his place was a new me (the buoyant thinks things through Charles). 

The reason why I put down this blog because recently the old me has once again resurfaced and it has put me into my old state of mind. I’ve worked to damn hard to have him come back and I’m sure as hell not going to let him get the better of me. He came back just this week and honestly I thought he almost won. I know that this side of me has a negative affect upon myself, my friends, and also Samantha. Earlier today I just had a talk with my brother and to say the least it took a beat down and a long talk from him in order for me to realize that the only way for me to get rid of him is to do nothing but blame myself for his return. So I just want to say sorry to my friends that had to go through my sudden change of mood this week and to thank them for their support in trying to help me.

Lastly I want to apologize to you, Samantha, for having to go through my sudden mood change as well. Because I shouldn’t have let the old me get the better of a small situation that my cousins had caused.  You are one of my greatest gifts thus far to me and I don’t intend to have something like this get in the way of our relationship.

P.S. Samantha wont be reading this until after I have apologize to her in person. (and for Samantha: This PS is going to seem awkward/weird when you later read this. :])